Cats begins with Victoria (Francesca Hayward), a cat-human hybrid escaped from the island of Dr. Moreau, abandoned on the streets of London. I am shocked that the location is not called “Meow Town”. Is this mercy? IsCats大部分是无害的，有点怪异，令人反感，但不会沉没，以至于使喵双关语变得不好？是的，它的“数字皮草技术”以及奇怪的猫人的身体和猫人的面孔看起来很笨拙，但它并没有沉迷于“ Meow Town”。也许Catsis just a harmless movie with bad CGI.
Victoria meets other cat people and they have names like “Munkustrap” and “Macavity” and “Rum Tum Tugger”. Many of these names sound like sex acts from the 1920s, which is fitting becauseCatsis horny. Like, SUUUUUUPER horny. The cat people writhe and grind across the stage, every cat that sees Victoria wants to rub on her, the Rebel Wilson cat suggestively scratches her non-existent vagina, the brother-sister cats have a distinctly Lannisterian vibe. I begin to feel cold fear creeping up my spine. Hideous CGI cat people who are desperate to f-ck in an ostensibly family-friendly film? This feels less and less harmless with every passing moment. What am I in for?我面临什么危险？
维多利亚猫遇到了其他猫。这些介绍采用了歌曲的形式，每只猫都会唱着一首关于它们是什么样的猫的歌。实际上，每个猫一直在唱歌。每只猫都在介绍自己，这就是发生的一切。整部两个小时的电影只是一群猫在唱歌，讲述他们对其他猫是什么样的猫。寒意下降和我的灵魂地震。Catsis not harmless:Catsis a threat. It threatens me with bad 80s synth music and endless songs about different types of cats. There is no end in sight. I now fear for my life.
THEY NEVER STOP SINGING.
Eventually, Judi Dench appears as a floating head. There is a hulking, hirsute cat body near her head, but thanks to the CGI, she has no neck and so her head floats in front of her body like a grim warning of what happens if you watch too much猫:In order to save itself, your brain will attempt to eject your head from your body. I can feel it happening, the pull within my neck, the strain on my clavicles, the pounding ache between my ears as my brain desperately tries to separate from the body holding it in place, forcing it do endure such horrors. I am trapped in my skin, a desperate spirit tethered to the mortal plane by the cruel folly of fate; I have no home here, I belong among the stars where there is no noise NO SINGING
伊德里斯·埃尔巴（Idris Elba）猫是坏猫，麦芽猫。猫正在竞争死亡，他想死去最多，第一个也是唯一的动力Catsthat I understand, as I, too, wish for the sweet release of death. Macavity seems to have magic powers, as he can make other cats disappear and teleport himself. When he teleports, he says, “Meow!” in a way that reduces Idris Elba’s attractiveness by 15%. This is insanity and they are STILL SINGING and I am desperate, desperate to escape but I am trapped in this Orphean nightmare I might be dead am I dead I think I am dead it is the only reason for my suffering I am dead and this is hell and oh please JUST STOP SINGING what god have I angered what ancient Chthonian curse have I absorbed to endure this eternal punishment of endless song and off-putting sexy cat dancing and ….
Ian McKellan is an old cat that lives in a theater and he laps water from a bowl and my body physically hurts with second-hand embarrassment this is hell and my torment will never end I never should have askedWhat is Cats?for only primordial gods can know the secrets of Cats. I have dared to tread where the gods walk and I am being punished, Jennifer Hudson belts out “Memory” and she is a sad cat that wants to die a lot and I understand her, set us free please just set…
Catscomes to an end. The sad Jennifer Hudson cat is free, mercy-killed by the cat people so that she can be born anew. I am not so lucky. I am drained, a husk, a mere carapace.Cats偷走了我的生命力。我现在明白了。Catsis a punishment, a rending of your soul, a tithe to be paid for some unknowable insult dealt to the eldritch gods. I am but a shell now, a cursèd wretch to know no comfort or relief ever again. A part of me is trapped there, subjected toCats, forever. I will always hear the terrible ceaseless singing make it stop oh please make it…
