Ciara was recently interviewed byThe Shade Roomand during the interview, the host, Thembi Mawema, asked her about her coparenting relationship with rapper and ex, Future. Her response? A 15-second-long cackle.
“What is co-parenting like for you guys?”she was asked, beforeeruptinginto the lengthy fit of laughter, before saying,“I’m dead…You’re awesome.”
Anyone even remotely familiar with Ciara’s history, which I’vewrittenabout before, particularly as it pertains to her incredibly bitter ex, knows what may have prompted her to start laughing. And anyone who has found themselves in the unfortunate situation of being in a toxic coparenting situation can relate. But her celebrity status does beg the question of whether it’s easier for her to laugh it off than it is for most women who find themselves in her situation.
Since her split from Future nearly a decade ago, Future has gone on the record several times and made disparaging remarks about her in interviews, songs and on social media. Back in 2020, he lambasted her on Twitter, calling her a “b-tch” in a series of disgusting tweets.
“This b-tch got control problems. I gotta go through lawyers to see babyfuture the f—ery for 15k a month,”hesharedin now-deleted tweets.
“I jus want babyfuture that’s all,”he continued.“I been silent for a year & a half..I ran outta patience.”
At the time, Ciara remained cool, calm and collected, at least on the outside, and took none of the personal attacks on. Instead, she had a very measured response:
“At the end of the day, my son will be the one that’s affected the most out of this. I think people have to think about that versus just shouting out things,”Ciara responded at the time.“To speak on such a sensitive and real situation when you don’t have all the facts, that to me is the frustrating part of it all because again, us adults will be fine, but my son has to grow up one day and he has to see.”
In my own experience coparenting, which I’vewrittenabout on LG before and often delve into on TikTok - where there is ahugenetwork of parents that help each other navigate toxic coparenting situations - I’ve found that women are alot更有可能的一个to consider some of what Ciara is mentioning – and that’s the impact on the child/ren.
It’s not uncommon for dads, frustrated over losing their partners and children, to channel their emotions into rage which they direct at the woman, particularly in cases where she left the relationship. And considering their engagement only ended becausehewas unfaithful, which Lainey wrote abouthereback in 2014, he’s got a lot of nerve to be angry atherfor moving on.
I really relate to Ciara for several reasons. First, because our exes both had indiscretions within three months of us giving birth. But mostly because we have become the punching bag for men who are so clearly incapable of displaying the maturity required to coparent effectively and to navigate the emotions that can come from a separation in a non-abusive way.
I think a lot of the behaviour we see with men like Future, and the others who have proven themselves to be incapable of putting that frustration and rage aside to better raise their child, has to do with the discussion around male loneliness. In recent years, there’s been a lot of chatter about what people are calling the “男性的孤独流行”. The connection between this and the behaviour of toxic dads isn’t so much that these dads are lonely, but instead lies in what a lot of people and experts attribute that loneliness to, which is the culture of toxic masculinity men grow up in.
Toxic masculinity associates and identifies things like empathy, love, the ability to reflect and be vulnerable as “female” traits and behaviours, and therefore men avoid displaying these things at all costs. When they find themselves in situations that demand any of this, as coparenting often does, they have no idea how to find their footing and resort to the familiar territory and emotions, ones they understand to be “masculine”.
Men face a lot of pressure to beanythingbut soft and emotional. And the consequences of that pressure manifests itself so many different ways. So imagine being a famous rapper, whose lothario lifestyle is not only praised by fans, but celebrated andexpected, it makes sense that Future would express narcissistic characteristics in the form of a Twitter tirade suggesting Ciara is the issue when really, he could’ve justnotcheated on his fiancé.
Around the time that she started dating football star Russell Wilson and introduced him to the son she shares with Future, he shared this tweet, suggesting that Ciara and Russell wouldn’t last:
It’s clear that Future is in a lot of pain – rightfully so. He watched the woman of his dreams walk away from him because he thought he could get away with being unfaithful, as narcissists often do. And rather than tolerate it, she went on to find happiness with Russell. And despite his prediction that they wouldn’t last, they went on to get married and have more children.
It doesn’t help that while Russell is taking better care of Future’s son than he ever could, he’s a) getting clowned on the internet over it and b) is stuck paying child support for a rumouredeightchildren. But his pain doesn’t give him the right to lash out at Ciara all these years after their split, and it especially doesn’t give him the right to put things out that his son will absolutely see one day.
Back to the question of whether Ciara’s status as a celebrity makes it easier for her to laugh it off than for the rest of us. Personally, I think most women do end up at a place where all they can do is laugh. But a lot of us don’t get to that point without experiencing a rollercoaster of emotions and a great deal of hardship – something even celebrity status doesn’t make you immune to.
First, finances matter – a lot. For women who struggle to make ends meet as single parents, it’s ignorant to assume there’s laughter instead of tears and stress. So Ciara’s financial privilege absolutely makes it easier to giggle. And for women enduring abuse, which many moms who parent with a toxic ex do, whether in a physical, emotional or verbal capacity, again, these are not experiences that you can just laugh off. So in those aspects, Ciara’s status as a celebrity can really misinform any woman’s idea of howsheshould be functioning in her coparenting.
But there are a few things that help us get to where Ciara is, in the promised land of laughter after coparenting chaos, even without the hefty net worth or football husband’s salary. And a lot of it has to do with matrescence, which I’ve alsowrittenabout before. When you become a mother, you areso致力于提供绝对最适合您的child with what you have that you as a person almost become a non-factor. As Ciara said, the adults will be fine. The war he’s waged on her means nothing. For her, it’s about her son, which brings me to my next point.
There is a certain satisfaction that comes from witnessing joy and success in your kids. It reassures you that, despite the voices in your head, and in Ciara’s case, the magazines and the comment sections, you are doing it. You are doing the thing you set out to do – which is to be a good mom. Sometimes it’s as simple as seeing your kid do well in school. But often, through a simple ‘I love you’, it makes it clear that despite everything, you really are a good mom. And if we’re lucky, all the crap we go through to get to that realization suddenly proves to have been worth it.
