Some movies arebad, and others aredisastrous, but a few movies blow straight past your regular levels of terrible and land the realm of the just plain WRONG. This is where平底锅生命。这是一部没有人制作的电影，totally faceplantedat the box office as a result. Filmmaking is an exercise in compromise, and even in the absolute best circumstances—the films that go on to great popular, critical, and financial acclaim—what you’re watching is still a compromise. But平底锅不仅是妥协的结果，而且是一系列日益糟糕的决定的最终游戏，最终使一部糟糕的电影达到了最高感。您不仅在看一个曾经好的主意的尸体，还在观看工作室的高管，作家，制片人，导演，每个人，都立即逃离悬崖。
平底锅彼得是一个前传Pan, and it begins with Peter’s mother (Amanda Seyfried) dumping her infant in a Dickens novel, leaving him to be raised by cruel nuns and subsist on gruel in scenes so over the top it feels like the orphans ought toburst into song在任何时刻。事实上,平底锅feels like at some point it was meant to be a musical, but that version of the movie got cut off at the knees—although we’re still treated to an insane scene in which pirate-slaves sing Nirvana and The Ramones, but we’ll get there. Back in Dickens-town, orphans are vanishing during the night so Peter decides to stay up one night and see what’s going on.
平底锅then turns into疯狂的麦克斯：梦幻岛, as orphans are being kidnapped byPOLECATSand carted off to Neverland where they work as slaves. Peter gets kidnapped because of course, and then a flying pirate ship tries to outrun the Royal Air Force because all of this is happening during a World War II German air raid, because if there is anything kids like in their movies, it’s Nazis and carpet bombing. From there, Peter is introduced to Neverland, aka Ferngully, where the pirate Blackbeard (Hugh Jackman) is strip-mining searching for Pixum—no idea what this word actually is because it sounded like “Pig scum” no matter who pronounced it—which is basically fairy meth that Blackbeard huffs in order to remain young, even though it’s been established that you don’t age in Neverland just by virtue of staying there.
当布莱克布尔（Blackbeard）出现时，梦幻岛（Neverland）中的海盗唱了涅rv的“闻起来像青少年的精神”，如果孩子们喜欢任何东西，那是在出生之前流行的歌曲。因此，彼得被扔进了黑胡子的奴隶制坑中，在那里他挖掘出来猪sc或任何f*ck，他遇到了詹姆斯·胡克（James Hook），这是加勒特·赫德隆德（Garrett Hedlund）公然试镜的汉·索罗（Han Solo），但在世界上最愚蠢的声音。在任何其他电影中，Hedlund的愚蠢的钩子声音是屏幕上最糟糕的决定，但是在Pan中，这只是雷达的一部分 - 还有很大的决定。像唱歌海盗一样。或者是愚蠢的“选择的”情节，彼得是一个预言的孩子，目的是将梦幻岛摆脱布莱克胡特的奴隶制坑和他的神圣歌手。
There’s a bunch of nonsense about Peter’s parents that totally contradicts the notion of Peter as a Forever Child who rejects adulthood just as his parents rejected him, and then Peter and Hook arrive at the “tribal camp” and meet Tiger Lily (Rooney Mara). Yes, casting a white actress to play a Native role is a dumb f*cking thing to do, but never fear—it gets worse. The Neverland natives have been reimagined by director Joe Wright as a circus troupe, with teepees traded for circus tents and the costumes referencing African and Amazonian tribes but also Cirque du Soleil and this whole section of the movie looks like a preschool pageant. The tribe is multi-ethnic but the three people charged with saving it are white, so those optics look great, but it ultimately doesn’t matter because Blackbeard shows up and murders everyone and you can add “genocide” to the list of things that kids really love in their movies. (Later, Blackbeard will also burn multitudes of fairies to death.)
Hook and Tiger Lily have a romantic subplot that no one cares about and Peter spends a lot of time being a really awful brat—which jives with what a selfish asshole Peter Pan is in literature, so at least they got that right—and there’s a giant blind crocodile but Hook never loses his hand because Warner Brothers thought they were launching a franchise and could do that in another movie. LOL NO. The final battle is a bunch of CGI nonsense with an obligatory Tinkerbell cameo, and Peter harnesses his Chosen One Fairy Power to turn into Fairy Damien and make them eat people? It’s not entirely clear what the fairies are doing, but there is an actual shot of Peter grinning maniacally as he watches fairies devour(??) people. This is a kids’ movie! There isn’t a single thing in Pan that works.
