The Biter identified?

I don’t understand how Lena Dunham became a suspect in the case of Who Bit Beyoncé. Yesterday in my post aboutWho Bit Beyoncéyesterday, I mentioned that Beyoncé and the Biter have some history. “She not like that all the time”, said Beyoncé to Tiffany Haddish when she was telling Tiffany to stand down. There is no history between Beyoncé and Lena Dunham, please. Lena Dunham is not the Biter. The prime suspect is Sanaa Lathan.TMZreported yesterday that Tiffany’s been telling people that it’s Sanaa:

Multiple sources tell TMZ, Tiffany Haddish has told multiple people the culprit is Sanaa.

One source said it was not an aggressive bite ... it was playful and noninvasive, but still caught Beyoncé off guard.

Sanaa tweeted a faint denial, saying "Y'all are funny. Under no circumstances did I bite Beyoncé and if I did it would've have been a love bite."

The incident in question went down in December, at an after-party for Jay-Z's 4:44 concert at The Forum.

The story goes ... Sanaa was talking to Jay in a way that made Bey uncomfortable. Beyoncé went over to Sanaa who brushed off any insinuation of inappropriate conduct and then gave her a jokey bite.

Tiffany told Beyoncé she was going to kick Sanaa's ass, but Bey told her to let it go.

Well here’s something I haven’t spent a lot of time thinking about. But this is what aBeyoncémystery will do to you: is there such thing as a “noninvasive” bite?!? A bite, by its very nature, is invasive as f-ck, non? To bite something, you have to put your teeth on something. If you put your teeth on something, it’s pretty f-cking invasive every single time, WHY ARE WE ARGUING ABOUT THIS!?

The fact that someone’s trying to spin this bite as “noninvasive” convinces me even more than it’s Sanaa because of what she tweeted:

That’s not so much of a denial as it is a minimise. She’s minimising here what that bite could have been. Bites can be given a certain way, however, and received a different way. Beyoncé was clearly offended by the bite forTiffanyto have that kind of a reaction.

So… have we wrapped up this investigation? Or is this an 8 part documentary on Netflix? This, to me, is what’s been most fascinating about the situation. It had all the elements of a great mystery thriller.

The crime scene: a glamourous Hollywood party

The crime: a bite

The victim: the biggest superstar in the world

The witness: the breakout star of the year

The suspects: a long list of celebrities – any celebrity, really

The investigative journalist: Caity Weaver for GQ

Turn this into a f-cking series.

PS. Tiffany has no regrets about sharing the story – and SHE SHOULDN’T. She’s given us the best gift ever. A better thriller-mystery than anything Sean Penn could have written.

PPS. Here’s Beyoncé at Big Sean’s birthday, totally unbothered by all this bite drama that she’s inspired. Exactly a week from today, Beyoncé and Jay-Z will celebrate 10 years of marriage. What will happen that day? Will anything happen that day? I’m ready. I’m ready for whatever she’s about to drop on us.