Amy, Tina, and Maya MeanGirled the Academy

You may think that term has been overused and doesn’t mean much anymore, but how often do you get to use it on the O.G.s anyway?

As Maya Rudolph, Amy Poehler, and Tina Fey pointed out, they were not the Oscars hosts, despite being the first people to actually speak live on air, not counting Queen/Adam Lambert and the Smoke Machines. They were just there to be the first presenters of the night, and they were. They made a few jokes, announced the winner for Best Supporting Actress, and left…

…oh, and made us all wince with how good the show could have been if they’d say, agreed to host …which they would never.

It’s such a perfect eighth-grade move: “Oh, you want to hang out with us? Yeah I mean, we are pretty funny and totally skilled at doing stuff and we know you’re feeling insecure about being all alone so it makes sense… buuuut, no thanks,Burn.”

After all, why should they? All of them are as famous and rich as they need to be, with all the opportunities they need to have, they’ve already proven that they are spectacular, capable hosts – okay, not Maya, but what she lacks in hosting creds she makes up for in somehow being the exact embodiment of The Voice Of Sam Elliot’s Moustache.

Make no mistake, the Academy is not dumb. They thought they could trick people into turning on the Oscars, seeing Amy, Tina, and Maya, and relaxing. “Oh these gals! Oh well this will be fun!” But since one of the cardinal rules of entertainment is to leave them wanting more, these three did just that, reminding us that by the time we got beyond the 10 minute mark, they were going to be at the bar, laughing at how much less work that was than hosting the dumb gig.

(This must also have been the philosophy of another they’d-be-lucky-to-get-him presenter, Keegan-Michael Key, who rode his Mary-Poppins-tribute descent from the ceiling with the joy usually reserved for a 9-year-old riding his first-ever roller coaster on his birthday:)

All we missed out on was seeing them in a number of outfits, and let’s be honest, that’s never their game anyway. That is, Maya Rudolph is my hero because she, like me, chooses clothes primarily because they’re hilarious:

I quite liked this dress actually, but it might as well be from a mall kiosk called ‘Maya’ because nobody else could ever wear it, let alone pull it off, whereas Amy and Tina each wore outfits that could absolutely have been recycled from the Emmys circa 2011 and none of us would know the difference. Their outfits have always been precisely not the point.

这就是为什么并不重要,蒂娜菲y changed into a way cooler dress at Vanity Fair, and paired it with Converse to boot:

She’s not dressing for me, not being a host excuses her from the clothing conversation, and all three of them live by Amy Poehler’s words immortalized in Tina’sBossypants:

“I don’t f*cking care if you like it.”

And they don’t care if you wish they were hosting, either.