Yes, it is glamourous. Some would say it’s a 7-year-old girl’s version of glamorous, what with the long gloves, but let’s not quibble.

Yes, it is ‘appropriate’ to win your first Oscar in, as proven.

Yes, it is slightly more unusual because it has the black ‘hips’ on it. I quite like them, even if they’re hard to see because most of the time she was posing with her hands on her hips, and the black gloves meant it was hard to make the distinction.

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Yes, I can see all the ways in which this black dress is ‘classic’, but it’s ultimately a black strapless ball gown, and it is so, so boring. Oh, and that’s only the outside dress. Raise your hand if you didn’t know it was a different dress from her indoor dress, because it is similarly black, classic, and boring:

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It’s the SAME DRESS. Why even bother? You have to switch bras, ditch jewelry – don’t you at least want people to be able to tell your photos apart?

Still, ‘boring’ doesn’t usually condemn you to be worst dressed in our books. On its own, boring is sometimes a letdown, especially from celebs we tend to enjoy – but it’s gonna take a backseat to real missteps, most of the time.

但是,在这种特殊情况下,这个经典的老好莱坞魅力外观,再加上其他所有Lady Gaga和Bradley Cooper昨晚都在为我们服务,整个奥斯卡赛季都感觉像……我能想到的最接近的事情就像, ‘normcore romance novel cosplay’?

一切都感觉不真实,我可以尖叫。

It’s not just the dress. Is it ever? It’s what the dress is supposed to represent. Earlier, when writing about JLo, I talked about how a presenter dress is a different animal from a nominee dress. The idea is that a nominee dress is supposed to have a certain gravitas and timelessness (even if I’d love to see this idea changed – can someone win in an orange rubber sheath already?) and Gaga is pulling out every single stop to make sure we know she’s got all the gravitas and depth in the world, and deserved to win.

I get that she wanted to play this role ‘stripped down’, outside her Lady Gaga persona (we won’t even get into the abandoned plan to credit her as ‘Stefani Germanotta’). I get, too, that Gaga and BCoop and whomever else is on their team felt like the best chance for一个明星诞生了赢得最佳影片,最佳女演员,所有的above – was to show us how very real the Jackson and Ally feelings were, how close to all of us and our lives they really could be…? …I guess?

但是 - Lady Gaga曾经是并且一直很奇怪,因此很奇怪,因此成功了。当然,肉连衣裙,土星戒指和泡沫礼服和泡沫礼服和头饰是地狱,但它们是她看到世界的方式,她引起了人们的共鸣,他们永远不会像她一样穿着像她一样,但是感觉就像她的里面。她写音乐,说的话真是诚实。真实的。如果没有,她不会成功。

然后,一个明星诞生了, and the idea, born somewhere in some ‘session’, whether songwriting or therapy or both, that Gaga and Cooper should show each other how much the creativity of the movie meant to them by showing us how overwhelming the feelings for the music and the story are – and, not coincidentally, how overwhelming their feelings for each other-as-characters-but-also-maybe-in-real-life are. I don’t know why that’s the strategy, and I believe they believe it on some level, but it went off the rails, hard.

Nobody really believes they’re ‘in love’, do they? When was the last time you knew two people who were irresistibly drawn to each other, who couldn’t keep their hands or hearts or, like, vocal cords away from one another – specifically wheneveryone in the world is watching?

People who are having actual affairs, emotional or otherwise, act weird and strange and stiff around each other, so nobody finds out! If their campaign strategy was really, truly, to make people wonder if the love between them was so strong they couldn’t tear themselves away from each other, they should have been doing the opposite of ….all this:

Guys. They knew the camera would be close enough to see their heads together. That move where they open their eyes at the same time? That’s not for the third balcony in the Dolby, that’s for the viewers at home. Calculated, so that you’ll sit there and wonder…

这不是真实的,我们都可以感觉到。没有人喜欢被操纵,没有人喜欢像愚蠢一样被对待。如果他们试图吸引青少年,我完全明白了 - 我和我的大多数朋友仍在学习不好的关系课,我们从太多的观点中进行了内在的内在看法眼见为实- 但是,如果您想呼吁成年人,并告诉我们这是多么真实……它的气味不正确,并且侮辱了您认为我们无法分辨。

说到侮辱,假设我们所有人都对此做了。假设我们认为这种不可避免的磁吸引已经从一个明星诞生了into real life, because it’s just so powerful…

…what thehellare we supposed to think about Irina Shayk? Like if this was real, are we supposed to think that Bradley Cooper is cruel enough to escort his absolutely stunning partner to the Oscars, and then give her a literal front row seat to his disrespecting her? Because the love he has with the woman in that black dress is different?

Which… brings us back to the clothing. I’m not saying I think Gaga should be draped in Muppets or tinfoil all the time. She evolved, I get it – nobody wants, or needs, to stay in one sartorial place forever, and I have the embarrassing pictures to prove it.

But if it really is only about Jackson & Ally, not Bradley & Lady Gaga, then why do I have the uncomfortable feeling that she’s ‘normalizing’ herself down for him? That一个明星诞生了只有当有问题的星星看起来像他对此的想法时,才是正确的吗?还是只有“童话”看起来像融合在一起,我们只会相信“童话”?

我可能会过度思考。我知道很多人喜欢这个童话。但是在一个疲惫的季节结束时,我所知道的是,没有人必须努力工作才能证明自己在魔术面前。